Ferris Wheel - Poem

Ferris Wheel

The voices in my head constantly bicker – telling me what’s right and what’s wrong
Confusion plagues me like a thunderstorm
I stumble through every day, my eyes blurred by a constant fog
An avalanche of emotions bottled up inside
An explosion of love and joy that I am too frightened to expose
Always afraid to reveal my true feelings, scared of the repercussions
I do not have the courage to open up and expose what is going on inside- inside my head, inside my heart
I don’t want you to laugh at me, to walk away and never look back
To look at me in disgust with hatred and revulsion in your eyes
Everyone pointing fingers, sniggering behind my back
I cannot face being a pariah
I have been that person – I do not want to be that person again
I am uncomfortable in my own skin – hating my body and hating everything about myself, telling you how I feel could be the straw that breaks the proverbial camels back
Afraid of being labelled, I can hear the taunts in my head
Taunts that haunt me day and night
I already feel like a hunted animal, this revelation could destroy me forever
Damage I could not easily repair
My life is like a mine field, I do not want to add fuel to an ever growing and desperate fire
A dream that never comes true is better than a world of darkness
It is better to hold onto a fantasy than to have nothing to hold onto at all
What is the point in taking out the bottom brick and watching the tower tumble to the ground?
Better to keep on adding extra bricks and keeping everything stable
A tower that reaches the sky is better than a pile of rubble on the ground
I cannot risk my heart being the brick that sends the tower tumbling to the floor
To see it shattered like a boat crashing hopelessly against rocks out at sea
Sailors drowning, suffocated by the waves that wash over them
Their bodies smashed into unrecognisable piles of flesh and bone
I do not want that to be me
I do not have the strength or courage to fight back against the current
I would rather die
It is so hard to deny how I feel
To lie, to pretend day after day, week after week
To let my feelings eat me alive
I am torn between the devil and the deep blue sea
If only you would reach out to me and tell me you feel the way I do
Confirm my dreams and make them a reality
Tell me you love me and want me the way I want you
Hold me and caress me as I have done time and time again in my imagination
Before I can take the first step I need proof that you will not reject my advances
That all my fears and negative emotions have been futile
I hold out for the day you tell me you love me, although I think I am fooling myself if I believe that day will come
Until that day I spin round and round on the Ferris wheel of life
Watching and waiting and letting life literally pass me by
Never taking risks or chances just letting the minutes tick by waiting until it is time to die



This piece is dedicated to Donna, my friend.