Soul Dance - Poem

Soul Dance

You asked me how I feel but how do I put those feelings into words?
How can you describe such raw emotion?
Emotions that are like a knife twisting and turning in my soul
Ripping my heart to shreds
Leaving only human devastation in their path
The scars are deep and raw
Exposed inwardly for only my eyes to see
The pain suffocates me until I can hardly breathe
My chest constricted as if trapped in a metal cage
Rods of iron hold my body fast
I am a prisoner of this body
Held in by ropes and chains that pull at my flesh leaving me battered and bruised
I feel like I am drowning not in water but in love
Not a healthy love that fills a person’s heart with joy but a poison that is steadily seeping through my body
Running through my veins like a river
Killing me slowly until I take my last breath
The love and passion I feel are clouded in darkness, tinged with hate and other negative emotions that crowd me like a bull at a gate
Even if I run I cannot escape
Absence does not make me forget, it just strengthens the bond that pulls me to him
With him I live my life dreading every breath, without him I fall swiftly to the ground
Weak and fragile like a porcelain doll, smashed and unrecognisable on the floor
If I stand up and fight, make the effort to protest then I am always the one in the wrong
Punished for speaking out, my voice must go unheard
Follow and obey my master or face the consequences
I feel like I am being torn in two
Whichever way I turn it will be wrong
Another dead end, another brick wall that is impossible to climb
Sometimes I feel like I am standing on a bridge
High up, so high I can almost touch the clouds floating above in the clear blue sky
If I jump I die it is as simple as that
As I soar like a bird down to earth my problems leave my body and my soul floats away to a far better place
All that hits the ground is a worn out empty shell, tired of fighting, tired of putting on a brave and happy face, tired of not speaking out
Tired of hiding in the shadows at last coming out into the daylight
The mask that hides the real truth every day and night slips away
I feel like I am in a fight between good and evil
If I am the darkness who I ask myself is the light?
Which one of you will fill those shoes?
I am sure that there will be a big long queue waiting to fulfil that role
Family, friends, colleagues all vying for my blood
I am sure that there is a life lesson to be learnt here somewhere but at the moment all I can see is a thick fog that hampers my journey
Two steps forwards and four steps back
I sometimes feel like a dog on a lead
Never given a lose rein
Many people to obey
Orders and rules to be followed to the letter each and every single day
No let up in the punishment everyone seems to believe I deserve
I said once that I would rather you hit me with your fist than with words at least then I would have the scars for everyone else to see
People would know I was bad, rotten to the core like a decaying apple that needs destroying
An animal fighting for life that is in urgent need of being put down
I sometimes feel like a leper driving those I want to love me far away
I know I try too hard but am I wrong to want to feel real love?
A love that makes your heart sing with joy, brimming over with a passion that burns out of control
The words I love you are far too easy to say
They are just empty words that are said out of obligation rather than true feelings
Is it wrong to want to feel like a princess just for one day?
Instead I feel like an urchin, someone to be ridiculed, pointed at and locked away
Not good enough for society, humoured but only from the sidelines never brought into main play
An outcast with no future travelling through life just waiting to die
Is that all my life is?
An egg timer, the sand my life passing me by
I was sent an angel to help me and guide me on the dangerous path I tread through this life
Someone to show me the sunshine, joy and happiness
The positive things that can happen when you are alive
A person who would open eyes and make me see that there are a lot of people worse off than me
For a while I enjoyed the ride
My eyes were opened to possibility, to breathing freely once again
The trees blocking my way parted and for one brief moment in time I could see the way forwards
I was free
A way to escape the prison I find myself in daily
To leave behind the guards who torture me every day
I see now that this like everything else was just a cruel fantasy, a dream concocted in a sad and lonely mind
Clutching at straws that were never there
To break free it is me who has to be strong and tall
Find the strength that only you see in me
Weak and alone I wallow in the life I have created
Sink further and further into a pit of despair
Dying just a little more every day
Angels may have wings and come with bright lights – my angel had none of those things
Just a normal every day human being sent into my life for what purpose?
At first having my own angel was fun and exciting, like going on a mystery tour where there was no pre-planned ending
No rules to be broken, no ropes to hold me down, a free rein for once
A chance to live a little
Now I see that all you have done is dangled bait in front of me
Made me want for something, someone I cannot have
Like the rest of them you have tortured me and continue to do so
You are another one who pushes me in a cell and throws away the key
At the end of the day although it hurts me to say it and the words burn like a fire in my throat
I hate you as much as I hate all of them
The ones who mock me and treat me like I am rubbish so easy to dispose of
The ones who would stick a knife in my back given half a chance
So this is my world and this is my story
You asked me how I feel
I don’t feel dead – just dying
The light of my soul is struggling to stay bright and with each day that passes a little more of it fades away
Maybe I am suffocating in self-pity
After all is it not me who has to be strong enough to change?