Whoever it was that brought me here will have to take me home - Poem

Whoever it was that brought me here will have to take me home

Night becomes day, day fades into night
One day becomes much like the other
One big blur
No distinction, every hour melts into one
No job, nothing to do all day but sit and wallow
Craving solitude, thoughts of death echo in his mind
Embarrassed and ashamed
The thoughts in his head are dark; they engulf his mind, thudding like a hammer into his head
There is no escape, no release
Life is one long nightmare
Every breath is a struggle both physically and mentally
Every step is an up hill battle
Slowly driving everyone away
A word of comfort, a kind gesture – to him they are all lies, not genuine
Past rock bottom, falling, falling deeper and deeper into that bottomless pit
No air, no light just thoughts and feelings welling up inside
Negative thoughts of self-harm, pain and sorrow
Sadness so unbearable that it breaks his heart
Feelings of failure – once a strong man now a pathetic shadow of his former self
Tearing out his heart, torturing his soul
No one could possibly love him anymore
When he looks in the mirror he hates what he sees
He is afraid to take a good look, afraid to let people in, afraid to live, afraid to breathe
Every day is like a living hell

The days grow into weeks, and then months – nothing changes
A shadow follows him wherever he goes
A dark cloud ready to swallow him up
A smile replaced with nothing-just emptiness
Sunken eyes, no words just an eternal hopelessness
A dead man walking
Life has stopped – been put on pause

A bottle of pills mask the symptoms but offer no real cure
The cause is deep rooted, embedded in years of emotional baggage
The scars are deep and painful
A moment of pleasure to gloss over many feelings of despair
The odd good day when things look bright
Positive for the briefest of moments
A small pill brings happiness at a cost – a long list of side effects
Well meaning people try and help
“Talk to me”; “Tell me how you feel”
“Be strong, be positive”
Words that fall on deaf ears
Afraid to speak in case the words burn
In case what comes out opens up old wounds that can never be healed

Worthless, no self-esteem
All his energy has been drained away fighting a battle he seems destined not to win
How can he be positive when the world looks so bleak?
Around every corner there is yet another obstacle, another brick wall
Someone waiting to knock him back
One knock back, rejection and he is in pieces on the floor
Fighting to hold back the floods of tears
Fighting to stop himself from falling over the edge
Going to the dark place from where there is no escape, no opportunity to return
Like a game of snakes and ladders he constantly finds himself back at square one
The finish seems along way off

Fear of living, fear of looking lost, of taking that first small step
Like a baby he is experiencing the world for the first time all over again
Standing on his own two feet makes him feel scared
Afraid to reach out and take that offer of help
So used to living in the shadows that he is afraid to come out into the light
If this were a fairy tale then he would be the beast
Hiding away afraid to be seen
Thinking he is different, no use to society
A reject – used and worn
Waiting to be thrown on the scrap heap
How can he feel like this?
Was he wired wrongly when he was born?
How can a human being feel so worthless, so desperate that they would consider taking their own life?

Driving off into the sunset and never looking back
In the movies this is always the romantic happy ever after ending we are hoping for
In this case it is pure desperation
A need to run away from life and never be found
To be anonymous
Not doing it because he is selfish, doing it out of a misguided love for those around him
The people he leaves behind will be better off without him
Well that’s how it appears in his troubled mind

When the pills have all gone maybe just maybe there will be a glimmer of light
It could take years before he is brave enough, strong enough to go back out into society
Each day will be hard
There will be good and bad days, ups and downs
Knock backs, an innocent gesture or word taken the wrong way could send him into a downward spiral all over again
It will never leave him alone
It will always be there in the background waiting to rear its ugly head once again
Waiting to pounce and wreak havoc once more
Draining all of his energy to live
Testing him
Walking on eggshells afraid to look back
The nightmare will always, nearly always begin again
He is living every day on borrowed time
He will never be entirely free of the invisible chains that wrap themselves tightly round his body, sucking every ounce of life from his battered and bruised body


This piece was inspired by my friend Les, who when this was written was going through a very difficult time in his life. He told me that he was going to kill himself and that he was doing it out of love for his family and friends – they would be better off with him dead as he was depressed, on medication and unemployed. He did not kill himself I am happy to report but this piece of writing reflects that troubled time in his life.