Ants - Poem

Ants

Rain falls like a river from the sky washing away the stain of the day
I would weep for you but the tears will not come
They evade my eyes like enemy soldiers hiding in the trees
I stand alone, a gaping hole in my chest where once my heart beat
I rewind memories over and over in my mind
Fragments of happiness like rays of brilliant sunshine filter through the grey
A fog like a heavy man made curtain threatens to envelop my soul
Extinguishing every last breath until a ghost stands in my shadow
Remnants of life fall like grains of sand from my quivering hands
A chill washes over my body like a strong easterly wind
Knocking me sideways, my body crumples like a wilted flower
On my knees I feel invisible – lost, dazed and slightly confused
A small child abandoned searching for answers, a familiar face in the crowd

A loving touch feels more like sandpaper as it scrapes like a harsh abrasive across my fragile skin
I sink deeper into the muddy grass as despair washes over my body, my clothes a magnet for dirt and grime
Mud on my hands and face, make-up so carefully applied now smudged
Hair once styled now plastered against my head
On lookers eyes pierce my body with their eagle eyed glares
Judging me, scoring my behaviour on a score card marked one to ten
Their voices loud and distorted echo in my ears
Filling my head with noises I try so hard not to hear
Words like shards of jagged glass cut the very fabric of my being
A wry smile, an apologetic nod
Empty meaningless gestures
Too little, too late
A show of empathy and grace, politeness at its very best
I cannot smile for fear of breaking my fragile mask
I am a tightrope walker balanced gingerly high in the sky
No safety mat, no one to catch me if I fall
Dancing a fine line between life and death

An army of black umbrellas guard against the rain forming a bridge between heaven and earth
A patchwork canopy separating life from death
Shielding those overcome by grief from the rest of the world
Grief spreads like a poisonous infection infiltrating souls and hearts as it makes its journey between loved ones, acquaintances, and friends alike
For this virus there is no cure
Smart suits covered in a film of dust clumsily brushed off in haste for the occasion
Hats years out of date, gloves no longer in fashion
Highly polished black shoes that once gleamed like diamonds now caked in a thick layer of brown mud and wet grass
Heels too high once a fashion statement now a burden

A fixed expression of sadness pinned to every face
Like a badge worn with honour
A club with limited membership but where the entry charge is free
Relations emerging from the woodwork
Friends long since lost touch
A Christmas card every year and the obligatory turn out at a funeral
Duty or love the edges are blurred beyond recognition
Songs that no one has ever heard of sung with a half hearted regret
A chorus, nothing memorable, that seems to last forever
A straining organ playing disconnected notes that grate in my ear
Louder and louder until a rousing finale foretells the end of the song
Silence as everyone is seated
A cough, a sneeze, a car horn in the distance, feet shifting, a clatter as a hymn book falls to the concrete floor
Painful reminders that life goes on
I spy some dust, a cobweb, dirt on the floor
Frayed cushions, scratch marks on the wood, a book with its cover falling off
I wonder who has sat here before

Words of praise, words of sorrow spoken by a man who until two weeks a go did not even know your name
A life of many years hastily written down in scribbled notes
Bullet points to mark significant events
A stranger recalling your life as if he was a treasured and much valued friend
Tributes to a life only spoken now in death
A religious reading, a solemn prayer
So beautiful, so powerful
All reminding me once more that you are dead
Like nails securing the lid of your coffin everything reminds me, like a blow to the head, that you are gone, that you are not coming back to me
When I reach out my hand to touch you all I will find is emptiness
A hole, a void where once our love lived

The veil of sadness that I carry like a heavy weight on my shoulders falls around me like a thunder cloud bursting out of the sky
A helping hand to lift me onto my feet
My legs tremble, my head spins
I am floating, falling, flying
Flowers adorn your coffin
All your favourites carefully picked but in truth what do you care?
Lavish bouquets shaped like diamonds full of bright colours and scents that perfume the stale and damp air
I am reminded of a Christmas tree covered in pretty fairy lights
Sparkling like the life in your eyes now firmly extinguished in death
Like you these living flowers will quickly wither and die
Scattering their remains across the earth
Blown like the ashes of your body in a desert storm
Brass plates and handles sparkle under the bright church lights like a necklace full of precious gems

All that is left of you resides in that wooden box
An empty shell, nothing more
Just a mass of useless skin and bones
Your soul is already safe and sound in heaven
Angels have already welcomed you with open arms into your new home
Thrown open the pearly gates to heaven and played delicate music on harps to accompany you as you make the transition from the familiar to the unknown

Strong handshakes, meaningless nods
Words of comfort, a hug, a kiss
A parade of soldiers march from the church like a column of ants building a nest
All uniform in grief
People whose name I cannot remember
Faces from so long a go that I cannot place, I do not care to identify
A blur of sculpted hair and thick layers of make up, white pressed shirts and black ties parade by
I am the Queen inspecting her troops
Elevated in stature - these people for one brief moment in time are meagre subjects
Bowing down at my feet
Paying condolences, last respects
Hoping for some kind of approval, satisfaction, praise for a job well done
Doing their duty – nothing more, nothing less
Some linger like limpets for way too long
Nervous, out of place, alone
Offering stories, jokes, memories that I do not feel inclined to share
I pretend to show interest, to fake the right expressions on my face, to nod in all the right places
Time seems to have stopped
The world moves on in slow motion
An hour feels more like two as the seconds slowly pass by

The funeral car pulls up besides me, my ticket out of this endless nightmare
Escape, solitude, no looking back, still no tears
The cool leather of the seats melts into my stiff aching back
Peace closes in around me like a velvet cloak
I watch their faces as we pull away
Grief, sadness, despair – I can see it all in their faces
Eyes red and swollen, clothes soiled from the cruel weather of the day
Pity pours from their bodies in abundance, oozes from every pore
Pity for the survivors, pity for poor little me
Standing solemnly to attention they dare not move, dare not breathe
Feet rooted to the ground until I am safety out of sight

I glance over my shoulder one last time as we turn away from the church
Gravestones litter the ground, reminders everywhere of death, of rebirth
The army has disbanded, each soldier going back home to be with family, friends, loved ones
Now dots in the distance, I see them scurry to their cars back to normality
Back to the yearly Christmas card
To change into comfortable clothes, hanging the suit back up in the wardrobe – packed away for the next wedding or funeral
It is like a scene from some tragic movie
As the credits roll up on the big screen the heroine, in this case that’s me, drives away into the darkness
No happy ending to this fairy tale

The car seems big and empty
It swallows me up whole, like a monster lurking in the darkness of the night
Words form a chant in my head, spinning round and round out of control
I try hard to dismiss them but they refuse to leave
I reach out but there is nothing and no one there
My arm reaches on forever, trying to feel your body, your warmth, your silky touch
I am alone, I am alone, I am alone
An explosion of emotion suddenly breaks forth from my body
The overwhelming truth hits me like a bullet to the chest
I strain to catch my breath, I shake – my whole body has lost control
Tears well in the corner of my eyes
As the rain beats a steady rhythm against the cars windows, tears of sadness, lost love, remorse and betrayal fall rhythmically from my eyes
I open my mouth and gently mutter ‘I love you’


This piece was inspired by the video for the song Back to Black by Amy Winehouse.