Confusion – (An abstract look at grief) - Poem

Confusion – (An abstract look at grief)

I sit and stare at nothing
Dazed, lost, confused
The colour has drained from my bleak world replaced by a gloomy grey and dirty looking heavy mist
It eats away at the trees outside my window
Hides the houses, the people and the streets in an invisible cloak
I am the only survivor, for some reason I am spared
Me alone in the world with nothing and no one to rely on
My life now playing out in a grainy non descript black and white
My body numb, my mind blank
Wiped clean of all my memories
Erased like a tape used over and over again
I am frozen in time and space
Encapsulated, never to see the light of day again
Trapped in a waking nightmare
Each breath is torture
My insides are raw
Bright red and cut to shreds by the enormous pain I feel
Barbed wire stripping my flesh
I am a carcass being stripped by a pack of wild animals
Soon all that will be left will be a pile of bones
Reminders that I existed, that I was once here on earth
My heart is heavy
My stomach churning – emptiness and sadness swirling round and round
Combining together like heavy rocks in the pit of my stomach
Dragging me down, down, down
My feet anchored like a ship to the ground
Paralysed by fear
My eyes swollen and sore from all the crying I have done
Tears that fell like a torrent from my eyes escape me no more
I have nothing left to give, no tears left to cry
Each minute feels like a lifetime
Sleep evades me like a thief in the night
Darkness engulfs me like a blanket yet I cannot, will not, close my eyes
I toss and turn like a pebble battered by the waves on a deserted beach
I open my mouth to shout your name but the words do not come
My throat constricted by sandpaper that chokes the life out of me
I struggle to cough, to clear my throat
My insides feel like they are on fire
Raging flames swirl round my body
Consuming me
Soon I will be nothing more than ashes that blow like leaves in the wind
I will be scattered like grains of sand from the palm of someone’s loving hand
Cast aside, forgotten like a bad memory
Devoid of all emotion I cannot, do not fight back
A strange uncomfortable silence fills the room
It is so loud, yet so quiet
It smothers me as I lay perfectly still in my bed
It presses down upon my cracked, dry, chapped lips
It sucks the air that I breathe from my body
I am drowning in a deep sea
The waves knock into me
Covering my head
Rocks and drift wood attack me from all sides
Seaweed and other plants grab my ankles
All I can see is darkness, a deep dark blue
Like a mask it covers my face
Swallows me whole
I force myself to fight back
I cannot let myself drown
I feel my lungs filling with water
It tastes bitter and salty in my mouth
My body limp and lifeless refuses to drag me to the surface
It no longer obeys my commands
I drift along carried by the current
I close my eyes and wait to die
I no longer care
The hurt I am feeling
The love that boils over in my heart means nothing to me anymore
I am consumed by grief and desperation
By loss and a sense of hurt and anger
I will never be able to raise a smile again – what is there left to smile for now that you are gone?





This poem is dedicated to Kevin