Broken Beyond Repair - Poem

Broken Beyond Repair

I dream about you day and night
Imagining scenarios that play on a loop over and over in my warped mind
As the weeks become months then years my feelings towards you become stronger yet still you are not mine
You are a prisoner in another life
Shamelessly I still hold out a glimmer of hope
Clutching at straws
I let the poison that is my love for you over-fill my body

I long to feel your touch on my body
I imagine your hand - warm and perhaps a little rough as it strokes my porcelain skin
Lingering just a little longer than perhaps it should as it glides over my carefully prepared flesh
Brushing over my legs, my arms, my breasts
Sending me into a frenzy
There are so many places I want you to touch, to feel, to caress
Moisturised, cleansed, and toned – I feel like a car that has been buffed up at the garage ready for a test drive
Preparing to win the customer over, to make a sale – but this is my body I am selling not a piece of metal without any soul
Gleaming with pride and desire from every available facet

The warmth of your breath on my lips as we kiss
Long and lingering, full of passion like I am the only woman on earth you will ever want
A kiss that transcends all boundaries
Your arm round my waist comforting me, offering me love and reassurance
Telling me that your body is strong
Feeling our hearts beat as one, synchronised in time and space
Hearing you speak my name with tenderness and affection
Memorising the sound of your voice, the tone, your words
Storing memories like keep sakes in the back of my mind
Treasures to cling onto when the shutters fall back across my eyes and I am once again blind

Overwhelmed I am dizzy, weak and floating on air
Seeing your eyes light up at the sight of me walking towards you
Sparkling with pride and admiration
Deep pools of colour like the ocean
Glittering like diamonds
Arms outstretched waiting to catch me if I fall
A carefully selected dress that I hope later you might peel off my body like the skin from an orange
I want to stand naked before you, in all my glory, in all my innocence
To remove my clothes, my protection, my safety net and let you take me – all of me

Knowing that your pulse races only for me, that I am the one, someone special
Throwing open the doors to my soul and letting you in
My deepest darkest secrets revealed so that you can see the real me warts and all
Secrets that unravel like an endless piece of string
Years of pain and torture at your hands washed away in one brief moment

I want us to lay together just watching time pass by
Getting to know our bodies inside out, every crease, and every fold
Details I can hold encapsulated in time
Beauty hidden from the naked eye suddenly before me as I study your naked form on the bed
Your chest, your arms, your legs so perfect, so masterful
I want us to make love and allow our bodies to unite, to become one entity
Never to part – for this moment to go on forever
For us to stay naked and entwined until we die

I want you to tremble with nervous excitement as you walk gingerly to my front door
To forget words and fumble as we go on our first date
Excitement and apprehension to fill your face
To be romantic but not in an over the top kind of way
No chocolates or roses, just gestures that say I love you
To glance at me over dinner with a knowing look in your eyes
A look that tells me you are all mine that no one else on this earth matters today, tomorrow or forever
To make small talk that means nothing yet says such a lot
Comfortable silences
Laughing in all the right places, smiling at painful jokes that were never funny
To watch me intensely so that I cannot slip through your fingers
Twirling my hair because I am anxious, unsure where to look or what to say
So happy that this moment is finally here, that I stayed alive to see this memorable day
Wanting to be perfect, scared the facade might fall away
A dream that ends in a horrible nightmare

Escorting me home like the true gentleman you are
Sitting alone together in a dimly lit car
The stars high above, the moon a constant glow
Perfect for romance
A brief touch of my knee, simple yet understated
A smile that flashes across your face, quick or the eye won’t see
An awkward silence where nobody quite knows what to do or say
Teenagers again – this is all new
Veins pulsing with electricity, bodies on an adrenaline over drive
Scared to make the wrong move, scared to speak
A fragile piece of glass so easily broken
A river of blood flowing from a broken heart

The smell of perfume and after shave hangs heavy in the air
Car windows steamed up forming curtains that hang damp and heavy in the night
Trapping us, shutting out the night, the strangers that walk by
Our own private world
Fire runs through every part of my body
A flushed look on my face
Emotions flood through my body, so many I cannot quite comprehend them all
Drowning in a sea of happiness and pleasure, not wanting to surface for air
Never wanting the night to end, a new day to begin

Trapped in a game of chest I am afraid to make the next move
One false move and my dreams like rubbish will be in tatters on the floor
The weight of the world on my shoulders, dragging me down
Wanting so much, longing, praying
All I ever wanted was you
Someone to love me like I love you
I want you to tell me I am beautiful
To stop my suffering day after day
Haunting me like a ghost that hides in the shadows
Tormenting me, playing games with no rules
No amount of time or space can stop me from loving you as I do
I am broken beyond repair – all because of you


This piece was inspired by a friend of mine who will remain nameless and the song Secrets Of The Flesh by Fiona Kernaghan.