Dying Inside - Poem

Dying inside

Darkness seeps into every pore of my body until the light no longer exists
It consumes me like a monster in the night
My soul suffocated by feelings of hatred, loneliness and anger
My heart drowning in sorrow, a sorrow so great I cannot stand the weight of it as it pulls my body down like an anchor deep at sea
My chest constricted by a tight band that leaves me fighting for every breath
I wonder if it is worth it, if this is living would I be better off dead
Words stick in my throat like pieces of jagged glass cutting my insides, destroying the very fabric of my very being
My head ready to explode – so many thoughts and memories churning round and round constantly – no let up, no chance to escape
A pressure cooker waiting to explode
Nails bitten, red and raw
Skin torn and covered in faint scars – reminders of the past, reminders of pain already suffered
A notch on the bed post, a carving on the arm, a bruise unexplained on the leg
War wounds
Praying no one will notice, no one will ask questions that cannot be answered
Unable to cry, unable to show true emotion to the outside world
Stiff upper lip and all that
There is no time for tears, no time for sadness
No one hears me when I try to talk, try to explain
Heads turn away, people frown, voices become raised in anger rather than sympathy or understanding
I am invisible, a nuisance, a blot on a perfect landscape
Cutting myself is far easier than banging my head on a brick wall
Blood flows like a silent river as the blade slides through my pale, tender skin releasing the pent up anger, the suffering that you must not speak about out loud
The pain that binds me to this world like a ball and chain
For a split second I feel free, like a bird high in the sky
Pain and sadness forgotten like a distant memory
Euphoria fills my body, like a drug I am on an instant high
Like a piece of debris falling from space I soon come back down to earth with a bang, back to my painful reality
Nothing has changed
I am still alive, still carrying the same baggage around with me
Still trapped in a cage where someone has thrown away the key
Back to the silences, the façade one must display
The life that I hate