Milestones - Poem

Milestones

Dust and cobwebs form a film over my life
A flimsy lid that creates a pretend barrier to my painful past
Hurt and sorrow buried amongst trinkets from years gone by
Boxes, suitcases and bags – nothing more than a material prison
Souvenirs of places travelled, dreams shattered and achievements that have come and gone
Proud moments tarnished with the stain of darkness
All seem very insignificant now
A cloud envelops my very being
Threatening to engulf my soul, stealing every last breath I struggle pitifully to take
I often wonder if I am truly alive

I open boxes casting aside faded lids
Cards from relatives long since deceased fall like a river over the floor
Names I barely recognise anymore
Friends who have vanished like ships in the night
A silver key to mark being eighteen, another to mark twenty-one
Milestones, reminders that I was once young
I had a future in front of me – a life
Postcards received from foreign destinations
Rare and exotic stamps postmarked from all over the world
Coins old and tarnished
Many out of circulation – little good to me nowMarbles whose colour no longer shines that bright
Bus and train tickets unreadable, faded with the light
Shells collected off some long forgotten beach
Badges once collected and worn with pride
Now rusty and old looking
Good causes long since forgotten
Replaced or simply swept under the carpet like the memories I’ve tried so hard to avoid
Photos of family and friends all smiling
All looking happy, perfect and so alive

It is here that I find you creased and worn
Hidden from view because the pain I felt from looking at you was just too much for one human to withstand
Your face still smiles back at me even after all these years
It is like no amount of time has gone by
A perfect moment captured forever in time
Your eyes full of hope and happiness
You have a goal, a mission in life
I can see that clearly from the expression on your face
Time may have edged on but my feelings although severely battered and bruised remain the same
You are beautiful in every way humanly possible
I see in you now exactly what I saw in you back then
Dark velvety eyes
Skin so fragile and so soft to the touch
Hair that hangs around your eyes just right
I trace my finger over your outline
Hoping against all hope that it might somehow raise you from the page
I bring the photo to my lips and kiss your welcoming face
My heart quickens its majestic beat as I think long and hard about times gone by

In seconds it is like it just happened yesterday
I am flooded with memories time just hasn’t succeeded in locking firmly away
When we first met, being together, laughing and talking
How we felt so right together like we were destined to meet and fall head over heels in love
I relive every curve of your body
The places you used to like me to kiss
I feel the warmth of your skin under my cold finger tips
The touch of your lips on mine – pure ecstasy
My hand roaming over your naked body bringing you pleasure and overwhelming moments of great happiness and desire
The look of longing, waiting and trust when we made love
A bond so strong I didn’t realise just how easy it would break
How fragile our perfect love was

I see you in bed waking up next to me
Sleeping motionless night by night by my side
I picture you in clothes you used to love to wear
Your perfume – a smell like citrus that would linger in the air
To come home and find you waiting just for me
Food on the table, a glass of wine or beer freshly poured
Music filtering out from the speakers
Love and laughter like a potent drug, hanging heavily above us – waiting, just waiting to submerge us both in our daily dose

Tears well up in my eyes, my hands start visibly to shake
Your photo falls to the floor like a leaf in autumn going to its final resting place
A stabbing pain in my chest cuts like a heavily serrated knife through butter
Shredding my insides like scissors on clothes turned to rags
I cannot see, the tears fall like a torrent blinding me
I have been down this dreadful path many, many times before
I am a ship that has lost its anchor in a storm, floating helplessly out to sea

We were incredibly happy, in love, inseparable
Destined to be together until the end of time and then on into eternity
We fitted like a pair of comfy gloves yet we still weren’t right
A few choice words, like stray bullets, started a verbal war
Innocent comments taken as enemy fire
A heated argument, the slamming of doors
A broken plate, a shattered glass
A night spent away from home in order to calm down
Soon all too soon the battle lines were drawn
Lovers became strangers unable to be in the same room
Eyes cold and piercing, nothing behind them other than a burning hate
Affection became anger and before each of us knew what was happening it was far too late
The fuse had been lit and was simmering away
Regretful words uttered in haste
A suitcase thrown together not exactly well packed
The closing of a door never to look back
Over in seconds
A bomb had exploded and killed everyone in its wake

Silence, deafening silence followed me as I vanished like a homeless man into the night
My tears and anger illuminated by the orange rays coming off the occasional working street lights
I wanted to go back
To beg forgiveness
To get down on my knees and say sorry time and time again
Pride and honour amongst other things blocked my way
My words were lost in the haze
Frozen on the tip of my tongue
My fear of being rejected was a hurdle far too large to stand up and face
I fled like a mouse too scared to be a man
I ran into the darkness, treated it as my only friend
It didn’t judge me or implore me to turn back
It just held me in its welcoming arms and mopped up my tears
In the end it became my very own sanctuary
My home a one room dirty bed-sit
My own version of hell
Darkness once again my only friend, my lover and my confidant
It did not judge me or frown upon my actions
It left me to do all that
Instead it welcomed me like a brother joining some nameless cult

Pain tore at my limbs
My breath something of a minor miracle
A dented mattress and blankets full of moth holes sheltered me from the emotional storm
I had already reached the gates of hell what was there left worth living for?
I had lost you – carelessly thrown you out like a piece of worthless trash
You were my beauty queen and I had defiled you
Let you down and let too much time pass to ever go back

Torn between living without you or dying I sentenced myself to death
To be free of the pain that haunted me every single day
To never have to face those regrets
Never have to see you again

I rub my swollen eyes and wipe away the fading tears
I pick up the photo of you looking so bright, so happy even after all those painful years
I stuff it back in its hiding place and seal the lid on the box once more
I still love you very much that is one thing I know for sure
Something happened back then, an epiphany some might call it or a helping hand from the gods
I emerged from my enforced confinement and moved slowly on
I did not die although why that is I cannot honestly say
I gave myself a second chance at life
A chance to be happy and not make the same mistakes

I cannot help thinking back to that fateful last day
Wondering over and over again what might have been
Too late now
Time marches on and waits for no man
God does not grant us the chance to wind the clock back only forwards
My mistakes and lost chances follow me around every day like a heavy cross on my shoulders

I look out the window gazing helplessly as if in a trace at the sun
The sky is bright and blue and the clouds fluffy and white
Shadows dance like fairies around the room
Maybe one is the ghost of you?
I look down at myself, the man I have allowed myself to become
The years have passed, people have come and gone
New relationships have been formed whilst others have been long since lost
I have been a foolish man
Taken the wrong path time and time again always too scared to find my way back
Always realising the error of my ways when it is much too late
I should be happy and content
Pleased to be alive
My heart remains heavy, always beating a little out of time
I wonder if I am the man I should be
The man I was destined long a go to become
Questions I cannot answer
If only memories and the scars of the past could be hidden in boxes, bags and suitcases like trinkets and souvenirs of the past
Instead I am wounded like a soldier
Carrying a heavily damaged soul and a fatally wounded heart