NIGHTMARES AND A STORY OF DEATH - Poem

NIGHTMARES AND A STORY OF DEATH

He lays lifeless in a sterile hospital bed
A side ward, hidden away from the rest of society, waiting to die

His face motionless
His skin paper thin, veins outlining a map of his small limp body
A body which, barely fills the bed
His eyes hollow and dark, gone are the diamonds that once shone there
Lips cracked and bleeding
A smile replaced by nothing – just a meaningless expression
Tubes and machines in every corner
Wires trail over the floor
White sheets dotted with dried blood and old urine stains
The occasional bleep the only real sound
I watch hypnotised as his chest falls up and down
The only reminder that he is still alive
A clock, whose hands move slowly, guards over us as we stand around
Standing to attention like soldiers waiting for the signal to go into battle
Silence echoes like a deafening noise round the room
Shrouding those gathered around his bed in sadness and impending doom

The doctor offers us fake smiles and long medical words that go over my head
A nod of comfort, a firm handshake - gestures that look good on the outside but to me mean nothing at all
The look in his eyes spells out the true meaning of his empty scientific words
The egg timer is running out
It is only a matter of time
A countdown to blast off

Nurses come and go, doing their bit
Full of smiles and cheery grins
They mean well but their efforts go in vain
I am weighed down with too much misery and pain to raise even the faintest of smiles
I cannot even manage to produce a wry fake grin
I don’t want to chat about the weather outside the window of this grim prison
I don’t want to debate who is going to win the latest reality show or the state the country is in
I want to scream and shout, cry and throw myself against the wall
Stamp my feet and wave my arms in the air
Lob bottles and plastic containers around the room
Decorum, of course, prevents me from doing so
I have to hold my feelings in
Stiff upper lip, stand tall and proud
Inside I am crumbling, falling apart, like a tower of toy bricks as they hit the solid ground
I look out the dirty window at the car park below
Cars like little beetles scuttling from one car park to the next in an endless hunt for an empty space
People like stick insects move effortlessly around
Some chat, some laugh and some even kiss
Life goes on I guess
A pregnant woman, a man with walking sticks
A toddler with a broken arm
An old lady blood cascading like a fountain from a gash on her forehead
The red is vivid and colourful as it trickles down her chin staining her white blouse
Although bleeding she seems happy enough
I think to myself how lucky she is that she is alive and wonder if she feels the same

I do not want to leave the hospital but a combination of tiredness and being rational kicks in
The nurses say I need my strength
They tell me to go home and get some sleep
Have a cooked meal and a warm relaxing milky drink
I do not want to leave him
What if he wakes up and finds himself all alone?
What if he calls out my name and I am not there to respond to his call?

In the dead of night the phone’s piercing ring breaks the silence
Penetrating through my dreams and nightmares
I reach out gingerly and answer the phone
I know what is coming yet I dare not believe it is true
I cannot breathe, I struggle to speak
My voice sounds so alien
I nod although the caller cannot see
I mumble all the right things in all of the right places
I have rehearsed these lines well
The phone falls from my hand like a hot poker burning my delicate skin
A dark cloud washes over me
I suddenly feel so alone
The darkness once my friend becomes my enemy
Shadows jump out at me
Every little noise stirs my body into action

I scramble to get dressed not caring what I put on
Clothes seem unimportant at this dreadful heartbreaking time
I would go as I am but I cannot leave the house with nothing but pyjamas on
My hair stands on end but I do not care
My face stained with tears
My eyes hooded and dark from a lack of sleep
I make my way to the hospital wondering what to do and what to say
Scared of this my final journey
Afraid to say the word goodbye out loud

I force myself to say my goodbyes although I do not want to say the actual word out loud
The words catch in my throat like jagged glass
I touch his hand and kiss his lips
Warmth radiates from his body making me believe he is still alive
I tell him I love him and that we will be together again in time
I want to pick him up and take him home with me, tell him that everything will be alright
I smooth his grey hair down
He would want to look his very best even at this sad time
I wipe a lonely tear from my cheek
I cannot bare for him to see me cry
He would tell me to pull myself together and stop acting like a silly boy
I sit in the silence and say a prayer to god although I fear my prayer is twenty years too late

The journey home is endless
The roads seem so long
I cannot think
I cannot feel
The roads are empty and each house blurs into one

The house seems so empty, so unfamiliar and big
I feel lost and so alone
I look around the rooms, looking for a clue that I live here
A reminder of my life
A clue to bring me back to reality
If only this were one of my more vivid dreams!

A parcel on the floor taunts me
It stands out like a sore thumb
Laughs at me like some kind of cruel joke
A Christmas present bought for you
I look at the bag hating it for being there
Angry that you should die before I could give it to you
It reminds me that you are gone forever, that I will have to wait a long time before I can see you again
I would hide it out of sight but I cannot bring myself to
If I move the bag it will be like admitting the truth
You are gone for good, not just a vacation or a day trip away

I sit alone in my chair
The hours creep by but I do not notice
The walls feel like they are closing in on me
Suffocating me
Draining all the life that is left from my body
Tears once barricaded in my body flood, like a river bursting its banks, from my eyes
Washing my sadness away
With each tear I shed the pain eases just a little
Memories of you and me whirl round and round in my mind
Fifty years together squeezed into a handful of memories, clips that play on a loop like a film
I see everyone I have loved and lost, those who are still here on earth and those I have lost touch with over the years
My heart wants to break into two
I feel so alone without you
How will I cope now that you are gone?
It is a thought that plays over and over and over in my mind




This piece was inspired by the death of my friend’s father just the other week and is dedicated to Kevin.