The Rollercoaster Ride to Hell and Back - Poem

The Rollercoaster Ride to Hell and Back

I can feel your pain in my heart
It engulfs me like a dark cloud waiting to swallow me up
It breaks my heart that I have to stand on the sidelines and watch you go through such emotional torment
I can feel the life being drained from your body
Sucked out a little more every day
I know that it is getting tougher to face the dawn of every morning, the darkness of every night
The cracks in your façade are starting to show through
Your every day life is starting to suffer
With each day comes a new blow to your already fragile heart
A new pain for you to suffer
Another problem for which there is no solution
I have ideas of how we could lessen your pain
Things we could try, things we could do
You don’t want to listen
After all what do I mean to you?
I am nobody
Just a name – a person who came into your life by chance
A person who is clinging to you with every ounce of her strength
My body is weak from all of the sorrow I am carrying around
I can’t think, can’t eat, can’t sleep
I cry rivers of tears for you
You are always there playing on my mind
Messing with my emotions
Driving me crazy
Feeling so helpless like I am constantly letting you down
Trapped in a world of your creating
Barricaded in by your rules and regulations
Frightened to do or say the wrong thing
Scared that I won’t be there the one time you really need me
Wanting to be there for you but crumbling under the strain
If I feel like this I can but imagine how you must feel
A time bomb waiting to go off
Waiting to explode into a thousand pieces
When it happens who will be there to pick up the pieces?
Jealous that there are people who are allowed to get close to you
Small glimpses into your life past and present
Fragments that I try and piece together
Looking for clues
Reading between the lines
Hoping that you will let me in
Worried that if I get too close to the truth you will push me away
If I try too hard your defences will kick in
You will slam the door in my face and I will be left out in the cold
Treading on egg shells always afraid to look away
You dangle information like a carrot
I reach out and you pull away
Teasing me
Playing games with my mind, games where the winner is always going to be you
Are you afraid to let me in?
To let your guard down and be really honest and open
Is the pain that you are carrying with you really that painful to share?
Silent prayers go unanswered
The more I try the harder it is to lose
The deeper I become embroiled in this no win situation the harder it is to breathe
To come up for air
I do not see a light at the end of this long dark tunnel
I want to reach out and tell you everything will be ok
In this case I know that isn’t true
I want to hold you in my arms and comfort you
I can keep reaching out but there will never be anyone there to hold onto
Arms length is a much preferred safe distance for me to keep from you
If I ask for more I am too demanding
Maybe I am the one with the problem?
Maybe I am obsessed with you?
If I am it is only out of kindness
I am only showing compassion and love
Maybe my methods are wrong but my heart is in the right place
I care a lot for you
If I didn’t then why would my heart feel like it is breaking in two?
I keep telling you but my words are subtly ignored
Swiftly passed over as if they were never said
If I keep quiet I am denying myself the chance to make a difference
The chance to help, to comfort, to hold
It is so hard being allowed to go so far but being held back at the final hurdle
To feel that I am making a difference – a break through only to have it thrown back in my face
To face a deadly silence
To feel the vibes in-between your words
Maybe that is just my perception of events?
I am so confused
Living every day as if on a knifes edge
I feel like I live and breathe for you
I have lost my identity in trying to help and guide you
I have suffocated in your depression, your misery, your pain, your life
You have swallowed me up in your problems
Pulled me from my world and placed me in a world of heartache, endless suffering and constant pain
A world where there is no happy ending
A world where souls are tortured again and again
I do not know how to escape from this cruel world
It is like an endless cycle where there is no end
Each day a little more of you fades away
Your sparkle becomes a dim light
There is nothing to live for
Happiness is so short lived
I admire you for triumphing over every obstacle thrown at you so far
I respect you and believe that you were born with a very powerful inner strength
I love our conversations
I love the way you can make me laugh out loud
Sometimes your words are so powerful and full of emotion that they make me cry
Sometimes I wish that you would go away and leave me alone
Sadly if you did that I would lose my purpose in life
My reason for getting up every day
At least while you are in my life I have hope
I have a purpose
A reason to live, a reason to breathe
Why did you pick me to become tangled up in your life?
Should I be honoured or simply back away?
Sometimes I think that you would rather I walked away and left you alone
To wallow in self pity, to become submerged in all of the baggage you are carrying around
I cannot do that
I will not do that
To walk away would be like handing out a death sentence
How this story will end only time will tell
To be honest I can see no end in sight
I just hope and pray with all of my heart that both you and I will be all right


This piece is dedicate to my friend who will remain nameless.